Soulless

Without you
I am soulless

Puzzle Pieces

Living in this shell
Can be a bit of heaven
And a bit of hell.

Thinking with this brain
Will keep me going
Yet drive me insane.

Holding with these arms
Will keep you steady
And keep you warm.

Loving with this heart
Will either kill me
Or make me a part
Of you.

I accept all consequences.

A seed grew,
without care,
without time,
without nourishment.
It grew on its own
and though there were those who tried to drown it,
those it loved who tried to starve it,
those it didn't know who tried to burn it;
that seed flourished,
because in the end
life still goes on.

Sentimental Fool

Sentimental fool and the resourceful tool.
Blinding reality, temptation is everywhere.
Don't speak.
What makes us who we are is what we do,
How we treat those close to us and how we treat the few.
Belief in the truth not in the ultimate good.
Resist darkness for it is everywhere even if not chosen to be seen.
People are not always who they seem.
They can stomp on hearts to satisfy their own,
and they always stomp on the sentimental fool.

The stars of the night are calling me home. That is where I belong. That is where my souls half resides. Oh that million mile separation burns through my core and leaves my ashes forever trapped in this limbo of my own creation.

Fixtures

Fixtures in life
tend to sink you to the core,
as people fade in the distance
leaving your eyes sore.
New fixtures may be invigorating
and leaving you wishing for more,
don't forget the people who have cared longer
they are the ones you should adore.

Lines on the Sand

I once walked a straight line
unknown to myself.
I was what others believed I should be.
I once walked a dotted line
unknown to myself.
I was a fraction of what I knew I should be.
I once walked a crooked line
unknown to myself.
I was what they wanted me to be.
I walk a solid line.
I am what I am.
I am who I am.
Independent and solitary of thought.
No one can touch this.

Being climactic in anti-climactic climes
makes us
victims of victimless crimes.

Oh Ye of Little Faith

Glistening flesh.
Succulent taste.
Slightly spongy,
crunchy, sweet,
yet tart.
Biodegradable; it won't last forever.
In evidence as it browns before my eyes.

Slave

Bonds are made to be broken right.
Things are not as they seem.
People do not do as they say.
People are not who they say they are.
Things change, people die and life goes on. I would hate to miss it.
There are so many pressures in life if you let them. Why can’t we be who we are. Impatience is the answer to that one.
It is easier to separate yourself from strangers and acquaintances than family and friends.
Is it strange to go down with the ship.
Why hold tightly to the past. Sure it has helped make you who you are but it also will stifle growth. Comparison is a cancer.
Why am I so easily satisfied and others not.
Why do people make their lives more difficult than living already is.
Why is everything I do considered incorrect.
Why is it not enough. I have always been pushed to be brilliant. I have neglected to live.
I feel as if I am being pushed around by bullies. Life is a pendulum.
I find happiness and joy in so many things, big or small. Does that lessen the strength of my happiness when compared to others. Does it make my happiness less valuable.
When things go wrong why do people exacerbate the problem.
Death is in everything and so is change. Both lack reference.
Only I can force things to be about me.
It’s dog eat dog, every man for himself. The roller coaster never ends, it just enters another loop.
Will we be alive to see it.
Will I ever win.
Knowledge is an escape from feeling the universe. To reside in your head imposing your opinions on the world.
Within frozen ice dwell many shades of blue.
Culture is a cage in which I refuse to be a slave to its intolerance, bigotry and sadness.
I refuse to be a symbol, to conform to that radical norm to terrorize and patronize those who are different from me.
My accepting nature pulls me apart and makes me alien.
There are degrees of ruthlessness. Just because I am not at the top of that tower does not make me weak. It makes me compassionate not altruistic.
Why do we feel as if we must be better than others.
I do not need a reward or recognition for the things I do.
Can a man live without God.

Drills

the heart is a harsh taskmaster
yet it is the mind that beats us all

When

When you are near
my soul is replete.

When you are far
my heart ceases to beat.

Timeless

Cohesion
United
I am whole.

Clarity
Radiant
This art is timeless.

Transcendent
Dazzling
A love sublime.

On An Abandoned Road

Dreams but dreamt now real.
Not quite what I imagined.
I used to enter these dreams frequently.
Now, not so much.
There exists all of my imaginings, stray stories.
He used to enter them frequently, back in April.
Then not at all.
Now He is back again.
Why do I dream of school and Him?
What does it mean to dream of abandonment?
You can only abandon that which you've possessed, cherished, defended or retained.
By that definition I cannot call this abandonment.
The ocean tide is shifting.
My confidence has been amplifying.
This makes me exuberant.
Over the past 3 years I have felt my independence wane.
I had become weak.
Gleefully I can say that my independence has reared its head again.
My strength has always come from within.
Liberation is within my grasp.
I can feel it against my fingertips.
I control my thoughts and emotions. They do not control me.
The more I am pushed, the more I rebel.
Stubborn.
Only I have lived my life.
Only I possess the ability to live this life.
Viva La Vie Boheme.

11.9.09 Scarlett tutu

Scarlett tutu
Shoes of baby blue
Tip toe around my heart
My precious little dancer
Leotard of pink
Disharmonious black shoes
Your tap tapping is music to my ears
How graceless, how clumsy
How beautiful you dance
My little bit of sunshine
My little bit of hope
Inspiration to my soul
And apple of my eye
Though still but an image in my mind
I am sure I will see you one day
When things are together and stable
for loves everlasting
I can't wait to meet you
I can't wait to teach you
I can't wait to hold your hand in mine
As we dance our silly little dance
both of us divine
You in your scarlet tutu and me in one of wine

10.3.09 Artifice

Onward march
Outward shine
Forward thinking
Backwards time
Superficial lives
bespoke of thine
Love not artifice
Love of mine
Though not regarded
things will be fine
Love and life endures

Hibernate

Oh sweet bed.
How I wish to draw those covers over my head.
And hibernate
until the pain goes away.
But things must be done
and time is of the essence.
It seems I must change for everyone else.
And time that does take
if it is possible at all.
I wish I could hibernate.

TTSC

This thing is not how it should be; it should not be this difficult.
Am I not whole?
I feel deprived.
Malnourished.
Am I severely lacking or is it not meant to be?
Am I meant to walk this road alone?
Do I know where I should be or am I already there?
Have I always been?
Have I really changed or have I just compromised?
When I turn around all I see is a haze.
Why do I feel as if I am walking backwards?
Dog eat dog.
Beloved adjacent to neglect in this bipolar space.
Leeches surround me.
They try to bleed me dry.
I give too much to these bloodsuckers, these soul extractors.
I should imbibe.
I have no use for spoiled children.

Epoch

When time slowed to a stop,
day was night and night was day;
and as those roman numerals slowly sank into each ocean,
time was no more.

Beautiful Blueberries

Amidst those beautiful blueberries
are frozen leaves of dew.
An area where trees dream of centipedes,
and white picket fences are the lines between the real and unreal.
Where snow blankets the earth and the air nips at my ears.
A place where the ocean inhales whilst the mountains exhale,
where history begins and ends.
An environment in which falling stars are caught in nets made of cotton and books are read from cover to cover.
In this niche I started anew but your past life you still retained.
That is where I realized to whom you will always belong.
Amidst those beautiful blueberries
is where I found and I lost you.

Where are you?

Catastrophe
as the sun set over the red ocean.
Black skies parted.
Twinkling stars sparkled.
The tide breezed in and I realized,
like a mirage,
you were never truly there.

Sick

Spasm.
Painful break.
Ripped up interior.
Aching inside of emptiness.
Air shouldn't churn like this;
creating calamity in an already volatile space.

To be Devoured or not be Devoured

Fading colors
Slyly sift through
the cracks between the clouds.
Unseen.
Sparkling diamonds
propel from the sky
like flower petals.
Brilliant.
Creatures begin to climb out of hiding
to devour remaining light.
From the universe.
From us all.
Would you fight.
Would you be consumed.
Would you merge.

8.5.09: Air Conditioning

*great description given to me today*



Normal people wouldn't feel the cold.
It's comfortable.
What's wrong with you?
You are a psycho in stockings.

8.5.09: bleed

full moon shine
night sky engulf
seep into this wound
choke
gasp
sigh

8.3.09: Replaced/ Reserved

Murky curtain falls.
Will you miss me when I'm gone?
The grass is greener.

On the other side,
Of this hopeless universe,
My oblivion.

7.28.09: & U

Dark eyes allude to obscurity.
Confined within the recess of this mind is the code to the ambiguity.
These smiling lips fool with their falsity.
The picture of perfection a massive fallacy.
Was once a mind full of reverie, then one of wary.

Cloudy skies within those dark eyes,
reflecting raindrops fell.
I will reminisce no more in the dark.
I will harmonize.

Making faces to reflect that ambiguity.
Was once dark and misty,
now bright with fantasy.
Old memories replaced with those that are contemporary
And you.

7.2.09: Sunfire Petals

All I ask is for you to take my hand.

Feeding off your sun fire. I am content.
Your essence keeps me alive.
Existing yet undefined.
Elaborate yet unseen.
Flashes of light wilting from your core.
Under the crescent.
Moonbeam, how beautiful you shine.
Petals fall.
Life force wanes.
You grow cold and slack.
I leave.
Elaborate and undefined.
Existing and unseen.

My Golden Alone

This beauty, Philistine, corporeal and untamed.
How tangible.

6.30.09: Ephemeral Sensations

Savory,
iron ambrosia.
Pungent,
aromatic spice.
Silent placidity,
Ferment.
Perforated shell,
Fettered.
Beauty ephemeral in that dancing flame.

6.24.09 Gray

Fading light is gray.
In the distance.

6.9.09: My Umbrella

I've run out of sunblock.
I can no longer hide from that poisonous emanation.
My skin will become darker, like leather.
Vitamin D.
I am susceptible to cancer.
I must find my umbrella ella ella.
A happy medium.
My saving grace.
Shade from your radiation.
Sweet peaceful cloud.
I no longer need sunblock.
Disease free.
Healthy.
With He I am Me.

4.22.09: The Lighthouse

Sometimes I dream of a lighthouse.
A light that shines in the night steering me to your Bastille.
That beacon calls me to your presence Mr. Hume.
How long have you suffered alone without the benefit of Our Mutual Friend?
Watching as your hopes and dreams flash before your eyes.
Your hopelessness is constant but not necessarily never ending for I have found you.
Together we can make our own kind of music.
No one else need sing along.
4 f8 will leave your enemy left by the wayside.
Apologizing 15 different ways for his misdeeds.
Consuming 16 slices of humble pie with his afternoon tea.
And those 23 others who ridiculed you will join him 4 tea 2.
That's when our plans will be executed and their desires demagnetized.
Us together in our subterranean lighthouse.
Sharing eternity's amaranthine cycle.

2.14.09: Reverse Mitosis

Be the muse to my artistic expression.
Amuse me with your humor.
Dowse me in your sensuality.
Invade my thoughts with your intellect.
Inspire me.
The formation of a new being, a reverse mitosis.
Your touch a ray of warmth from the sun, a catalyst.
Cascading, becoming one, instead of two.
In thought, in speech, in body.
Separate yet entwined.
Cells merging instead of splitting.
Loves creation.
Its perfect union.

Archaic

Anger precedes me.
I have a good sized family yet I have no support; only criticism.
I have no family.
I tried to create my own but I had no support; only criticism.
I failed.
I have traveled away to another continent.
It was nice but I did not want to stay.
I have traveled to an island.
It was nice but I could not stay.
I have drifted on the tumultuous waves of the crystal clear Pacific.
There I found peace but peace let me go.
I have basked under the rays of the sun but the sun eventually winked it's eye.
I have sat underneath the stars as each turned into black holes before my eyes.
I have walked in the footsteps of the insane until sanity rode in on it's white horse with it's British accent.
What else is next for I have longed to walk in those footsteps again.
Anger supersedes me.
Anger in its constitution and archaic in its form.

Coping Mechanism

Fuck your coping mechanism.
Stop pushing your opinions, your advisement's onto everyone else.
No one wants to hear the crap coming from the hole in your face.
Open your eyes, your ears, your mind, your soul to the realities of this world.
Stop living in your mind.
Your naivety is stifling and tragic.
Let go. We are only human.
Life is full of wondrous possibilities. Why waste it?
How righteous are you really?
Is Jesus your pal or do you use his name to up your rank in society?
How insulting to use your false religious piety as a stepping stone.
How steep the fall will be from your high horse.
How embarrassing when they find you out.

4.6.09 On an Unblemished Road

Western setting sun.
It waits for no one.
Eradicating all nightmares.
Chasing away those who terrorize.
Thoughts now solidified.
Rejuvenated;
A new day has begun.

3.25.09 On a Promised Road

Eden bestowed anon.
This land of milk and honey.
A utopia to maintain.
Fought over by the vain.
Defaced by the insane.
Nuked by the inane.
Yet they are not ashamed.

2.24.09 On a Paved Road

Forgotten actions
Lost on a road paved with good
Where many have befell.
A cold walk to hell.

2.11.09 On an Oblique Road

Dreams of a path,
Where dissonance is induced
That path once straight now askew
Forever tainted.
Through oblique illuminations
while giving oblique glances out of the corner of ones eye.

1.24.09 On a Continued Road

Night exits stage left.
Dawn breaks on the horizon,
as I drift to sleep

1.3.09 On A Road

Break lights straight ahead.
Should I slow down and stop soon?
Or change the channel.

12.28.08 Something Blue

Blissful then forlorn,
sits the manic depressive couple
on their white wedding.

12.21.08 Space

Entering into their space.
This space is theirs
and theirs alone.
Entering into your space.
This space is yours
and yours alone.
Entering into my space.
This space is mine
and mine alone.
Entering into our space.
This space is ours
and ours alone.
There I am content.

11.3.08 No More

No more talking
just breathe.
No more thinking
just react.
No more believing
just know.
No more wasting
just live.
No more past
just a future.
No more reality.

10.24.08 Self Confidence

Forget what they say.
You’re all that matters.
You are more than their jealous ramblings can ever amount to.
More than what they can comprehend.
Don’t listen to the negative.
Listen to the constructive.
Exist in the affirmative.
Dwell in the beauty you know resides in your heart as well as in your progeny.
To them we are perfect.
Through you they learn that positive.
And through their excellence we gain our self confidence.

10.24.08 Disposable Cups

Why do we treat people like disposable cups?
To fill them up to the brim with our wants, our needs,
just to crumble them up and throw them away when something better comes along.
These cups of different shapes and sizes, made from different ingredients, different molds.
The champaign flutes,
the cups of plastic, of paper,
the bottles, the forty ouncers, the big gulps,
the glasses of martini, of wine,
the mugs, the snifters.
All different yet their purpose the same.
The elixir of life in its chalice, coveted by the greedy.
Your greed will be your downfall.
Sad you won’t realize it until we’re gone.
When you’re all alone.
When you’ve run out of options; out of vessels, out of victims.
Then you’ll wonder:
Why you treated your friends like disposable cups?

10.23.08 I Regret (Unfinished)

I used to say I didn't regret anything in my life.
I regret conveying secrets to unworthy ears.
I regret shedding unworthy tears.
I regret knowing unworthy people.
I regret.

10.21.08 Shine

The day is radiant.
The night opaque.
Twilight pervades them both but you infuse the colors in that sublime setting,
almost iridescent in its beauty.
The air warms as it envelopes your presence,
drifting precariously through your aura.
You traverse through destiny though it is manifest
and it gets better every moment we're together.
You who have meandered into this life;
for it is because of you I shine.

5.19.08 Little Giant

Little giant you scare me so,
with your screechy voice and your gangsta fro.
You are so cute but big for 3,
the LOST monster you remind me of, I do decree.
Bossy aren't you? A bully will unfurl,
I swear you will be like that blonde in Mean Girls.
The boys will all want you when you grow up,
Just make sure before you marry one, you get a prenupt;
Cause I know you will be famous one day, perhaps another Halle Berry?
Of course without a Monster's Ball film, now that's freakin scary.
Remain cute and adorable and hold your head up high,
cause those other girls are chicken heads but you, you're so fly.

5.10.08 Inside My Head

no more bullying
enough of dramatics
i did not sign up for any course
oscillation is constant
devoid of emotional commitment to all
it is certain
i am not making it up
it is real
i just do not care
the world still rotates
whatever
it is sad that you do not believe
my way is easier
i have tried everyone elses
i have to be true to my ways
i am not closed minded
i am tired
my world is safe
that place for me and the characters i have allowed to be important to me
they do not disappoint
they are always there inside my head
they understand
this dream wonderland
they entertain me
that chimerical space
the anxiety
the anger
the circles of pressure enveloping
clouding the vision
overwhelming heat
inside my head
it is not hard to enter but each entrance has a price
they do not understand why i must enter each time
misunderstanding, misjudged, misconstrued
i will not be their clown
the show is not for free
you are not better
i am not melodramatic
just multifaceted
i listen
do you
does anyone
let me
speak
done

1.24.08 Soudainement je sais/ Suddenly I Know

Soudainement je sais
Soudainement je peux voir tout
c'est erroné avec moi
Est-ce que mais que je peux faire ?
Je suis la seule chose que j'ai vraiment du tout


Suddenly I know
Suddenly I can see everything, that's wrong with me.
But what can I do?
I'm the only thing I really have at all.
Its been a long time since I saw your face but she doesn't live here anymore.
One day you will go away from here.
She's trying to free me. But she can't.
There's no reading me, so stop trying. You can change the world but you can't change me.
The sky opens.
The rain is taking over.
Yet the sun still shines.
It will take over.
I once drew a picture.
It is taking over.
The world spins for me.
It has taken over.
Let there be light.
The ghost comes but finds it is too late.
Slowly drowning.
Cold, icy, free falling.
Wind rising.
She is indifferent to the change.
It is within her.
The soul has departed.

1.4.08 Not Worth It

Simplicity is monotonous and boring.
Complexity makes you want to get up in the morning.
Long live your simple life until you are willing to take a chance.
You won't truly be happy.
Move on.
It isn't worth it.
You are out there somewhere.

11.14.07 These Bitches

These bitches only care about themselves.
I'll just call them 'these bitches'.
These bitches never intend to be your friend.
These bitches get away with using men.
Jealous bitches who give the rest of us a bad name.
Mothers? Daughters? All the same.
They come in different shapes and races.
But I've found a certain kind have similar faces.
These bitches cannot be trusted.
Immature, silly bitches that will never be happy.
Spiteful bitches suck the life from females and males alike.
These bitches never change, they are always in denial.
These bitches that hide their hatred in a smile.
Don't be fooled by their 'sad' story.
I won't be.
We'll see how I feel about the bitch later.
Stupid bitch.
And they say we are the bitches.
Thank Goodness I don't associate with those bitches.

3.20.07 A Winter's Tale

Crowded places, familiar faces.
Useless chases. Unnecessary wages.
Feelings are contagious.
In a world full of false pages.
Torn and burned.
Fahrenheit 451.
And Then There Were None.
I guess this is just for fun, not for everyone.
Not even for you.
How vanity is your due.
Things not worth it to pursue.
There yet not there too.
Your problems not easy to construe.
The obsession scary to more than a few.
Mom and dad's comments lost in the ether.
Slightly heard over the loud voices of our teachers.
Your fingertips near but too far to grasp.
Ha. Revitalize.
Mopey? Forget your 'by definition'. This could be happy.

8.9.06 Kin

Though it may not seem so,
you influence me more than you know.
Though it may not seem true,
you give me strength when times are blue.
I will be there for you through thick and thin,
you are my friends, my life, my best of kin.

6.11.06 Lost (unfinished)

Stolen memories taken to the sky,
ascend into space to cascade down from heaven as the years go by.
So let us cling together and let our seeds be sown;
for we must learn to live together or we will die alone.

6.10.06 Get over Yourself

Okay, what the hell?
I'm trying so hard not to yell.
I was hoping you'd grow up, but inside I already knew; I mentioned this subject in one other blog too.
There you go always pretending I'm not talking about you. Sorry, but this is something I won't accede to.
And I know that you know what I'm saying rings true.
One question I have to ask is: why is it so easy for you to say adieu?
Another question is: why do you continue to lie to yourself and remain oblivious to all the real people around that try to help you accrue all the things you want in life, but steadily do to the bad decisions you've made, you tend to push those who care away for those who are untrue.
This is freakin like deja vu.
Cause you've played this silly game before but I happened to forgive.
Now I'm tired of the game and you've forgotten all the past times I stood by your side.
Therefore, I won't abide and now you must atone and live through all the troubles you brought on yourself....... alone.
Stop being a prude.
Why should your problems be paramount while ours put on a shelf? Just get the hell over yourself!

5.15.06 Piss on You

Nothing is real.
Everything is fake.
Life conceals, while Death produces heartbreak.
Though the wind blows, and the earth quakes, it may not be what you chose, but it's the path you must take.
As The sun sets and the darkness begins to awake, there remains only you, left with no feeling except a withering ache.
The only thing to say now is piss on you.

5.14.06 Always Cold

i walk in the rain while the darkness rejuvenates me
i grow weary of the act it seems
this darkness would scare those who know me, no matter who they be
why can't i feel ashamed of all the laughter it brings
the aphotic depths of the sky holds the power to control
sounds of the night say that life is the thing
we must all pay for living we must all pay the toll
but i have to be me no matter how disheartening
why can't you understand that i don't feel a thing
i can't be there for you, if it's loneliness you bring
why can't you understand that it's not all about you
why can't you understand that it's about all of us too
this unstable relationship, it gets jaded, it gets old
i can't sit here waiting for your epiphany to unfold
don't come to me when you feel the need to be consoled
by then i may be tired of you, i may be tired of being cajoled
sorry, this is me the way that i was made,
always cold
always cold
Always cold.