Sick

Spasm.
Painful break.
Ripped up interior.
Aching inside of emptiness.
Air shouldn't churn like this;
creating calamity in an already volatile space.

8.3.09: Replaced/ Reserved

Murky curtain falls.
Will you miss me when I'm gone?
The grass is greener.

On the other side,
Of this hopeless universe,
My oblivion.

10.23.08 I Regret (Unfinished)

I used to say I didn't regret anything in my life.
I regret conveying secrets to unworthy ears.
I regret shedding unworthy tears.
I regret knowing unworthy people.
I regret.

5.10.08 Inside My Head

no more bullying
enough of dramatics
i did not sign up for any course
oscillation is constant
devoid of emotional commitment to all
it is certain
i am not making it up
it is real
i just do not care
the world still rotates
whatever
it is sad that you do not believe
my way is easier
i have tried everyone elses
i have to be true to my ways
i am not closed minded
i am tired
my world is safe
that place for me and the characters i have allowed to be important to me
they do not disappoint
they are always there inside my head
they understand
this dream wonderland
they entertain me
that chimerical space
the anxiety
the anger
the circles of pressure enveloping
clouding the vision
overwhelming heat
inside my head
it is not hard to enter but each entrance has a price
they do not understand why i must enter each time
misunderstanding, misjudged, misconstrued
i will not be their clown
the show is not for free
you are not better
i am not melodramatic
just multifaceted
i listen
do you
does anyone
let me
speak
done

1.24.08 Soudainement je sais/ Suddenly I Know

Soudainement je sais
Soudainement je peux voir tout
c'est erroné avec moi
Est-ce que mais que je peux faire ?
Je suis la seule chose que j'ai vraiment du tout


Suddenly I know
Suddenly I can see everything, that's wrong with me.
But what can I do?
I'm the only thing I really have at all.
Its been a long time since I saw your face but she doesn't live here anymore.
One day you will go away from here.
She's trying to free me. But she can't.
There's no reading me, so stop trying. You can change the world but you can't change me.
The sky opens.
The rain is taking over.
Yet the sun still shines.
It will take over.
I once drew a picture.
It is taking over.
The world spins for me.
It has taken over.
Let there be light.
The ghost comes but finds it is too late.
Slowly drowning.
Cold, icy, free falling.
Wind rising.
She is indifferent to the change.
It is within her.
The soul has departed.

1.4.08 Not Worth It

Simplicity is monotonous and boring.
Complexity makes you want to get up in the morning.
Long live your simple life until you are willing to take a chance.
You won't truly be happy.
Move on.
It isn't worth it.
You are out there somewhere.

5.14.06 Always Cold

i walk in the rain while the darkness rejuvenates me
i grow weary of the act it seems
this darkness would scare those who know me, no matter who they be
why can't i feel ashamed of all the laughter it brings
the aphotic depths of the sky holds the power to control
sounds of the night say that life is the thing
we must all pay for living we must all pay the toll
but i have to be me no matter how disheartening
why can't you understand that i don't feel a thing
i can't be there for you, if it's loneliness you bring
why can't you understand that it's not all about you
why can't you understand that it's about all of us too
this unstable relationship, it gets jaded, it gets old
i can't sit here waiting for your epiphany to unfold
don't come to me when you feel the need to be consoled
by then i may be tired of you, i may be tired of being cajoled
sorry, this is me the way that i was made,
always cold
always cold
Always cold.